Party Time

It’s party time. The snow is falling and the people that deliver the mail look like they want to burn Amazon to the ground. We are entering the season of the annual holiday soirée. That’s right. It’s time to cut loose. But when you live in a place where dinner jackets come in plaid, Uggs are acceptable footwear on a date, and said date entails a beer and a bonfire … well, we have to step up our game, people. Let’s get to it.

There are three essential categories I feel require some special attention come party season. It is time to put in some effort. You heard me. So dig in, and keep reading.

Clothing. When preparing for a Christmas party, the first dilemma that we have to examine is, what are you going to wear? Sadly, because some of us have acquiesced to an overly comfortable wardrobe over the years, a lot of people simply answer, “this.” As in, whatever they happen to have on at the moment. Now, I have nothing against Carhartt’s and FBC T-shirts and a High Roller hat. Really, I don’t. But what if we all reached deeper into the closet. Men, go past the too-small plaid shirt you never wear, past the hockey jersey, and before your wedding suit. Anything there? Itchy sweater, maybe? Come on. Dig deeper. Find that black button up you used to wear anytime anyone celebrated anything. Old faithful. Put it on. And if you have to ask, “is this too wrinkled?” the answer is yes. Always. Now, you have a choice. The tight dark blue jeans that pinch you after you start to bloat, or the dress pants that go with the suit. There you go, now you’re stylin’.

Ladies, I’m not as worried about you. We all kept the tight jeans and the black top for just this occasion. Or maybe it’s the stretchy black dress that requires Spanx. Not that you ‘d wear them, I’m not asking for miracles, but you know the one. It’s been out of commission for a while, but we can make it work. Get a wet cloth and wipe off the white deodorant stains from last year’s Christmas party, dig around in your drawer until you find those blingy earrings that hurt after an hour, and haul out the fancy make-up you keep under the sink. You know. The party make-up. Now, don’t hold back.

Footwear. Men, this one works in your favour. You can pretty much pull off anything from the new runners you bought for Crossfit to your wedding shoes that you only wore once. Don’t wear your golf shoes, I know it’s tempting, and don’t even try to get away with the giant steel-toed rubbers that go to your knee. I know it’s snowy, but you’ll be okay.

Okay girls, we’re in tough on this one. It’s gotta be the heels. And here’s why. If we don’t wear them now, we never will. Skip one major event, and they begin to look like the absurd foot-wreckers they truly are. Those heels will be covered in dust and bagged up for the Sally Ann before Easter. So, have a pre-game shot of Fireball and strap those babies on. Fluff up the cleavage. You look great. It’s party time.

Dance Moves. Here’s where we have to be careful. For your health. When the magical hour arrives, what moves are you prepared to break out on the dance floor? Think. Are you instantly flashing back to that time you pulled off an epic worm at your brother’s wedding? Did you hold that opening handstand just a second longer than necessary, your feet poised in the air and the crowd gasping and calling your name? When your chest contacted the floor, did your spine follow in a perfect assembly of vertebrae – one after the other – until your knees made contact with the floor and your chest rocketed back up for the next full coil? Remember that? Yeah. That was awesome. But you’re old now. Dance accordingly. I recommend a shuffle, a head bob, and a slight overbite as you scan the room with smolder. The smolder is money. But if you think you can still pull that epic worm off without needing traction? Giv’er.

Have fun out there, and happy holidays!